A Story of Will: A Spiritual Perspective on Postpartum Anxiety and Depression

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I never thought I must fight to love my own child. Postpartum depression used to be just a phrase to me before I had my second son, Will. I never understood how the birth of a healthy, beautiful baby could turn a life upside down until it happened to me. For months I struggled through sleepless nights and endless days, just trying to put myself together, to regain some semblance of the woman that I had been. I did not plan on going crazy, but in a flurry of panic I flew across the country, left my two kids with my parents, and checked myself into the hospital.

In trying to make sense of what used to be happening to me, I searched for books or enhance groups concerning Latter Day Saint (LDS) or Christian women who had experienced postpartum disorders. In spite of everything, we are a unique group. We are commanded to be virtuous women and to multiply and replenish the earth. I think this can translate into feeling that we need to do and be everything and we need to do it by ourselves. I found quite a lot of self-help books written by professionals and a couple of memoirs of celebrities, but very little literature sharing personal experiences of healing. Since every case of PPD is different, this left me feeling even more alone in my struggle. I used to be not a celebrity, just an extraordinary woman hiding from the stigma of mental illness and hoping and praying that I would be well again.

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